AAAAAAH! It's being rational and remains unconvinced of the existence of distant, judgmental powers and the dogmatic principles of their faithful!

Saturday, December 24, 2011

WAR ON CHRISTMAS: Weapons Catalog 2011

Hey, everybody!  Long time, I know.  I've been busy getting ready for this year's War On Christmas.  'Cause, you know, who am I to make a liar out of Bill O'Reilly?

Most of my preparations have been in the design and commissioning of cutting-edge weapons and materiel for our troops to use in our ongoing crusade against The Baby Jesus, The American Way and "It's A Wonderful Life" (see Atheist War Memo 9-78: Operation Bedford Falling).  We atheists take our War On Christmas all seriously and stuff, so obviously these preparations were made carefully, conscientiously and with great anti-religious vitriol.

So!  What are we using to destroy happiness this year?  Well, let's start with--

X-97 "J-BUSTER" APC (Atheist Personnel Carrier)
Implementing the latest in anti-gravity technology (a result of our tireless search for new ways to subvert God's natural laws with science), the "J-Buster" is the last word in carrying around our Hell-bound asses and deploying them on the front lines.  With a capacity of 4 atheists (why only 4?  Well, we're a minority, right?) and with plenty of room for their weapons, library cards and Richard Dawkins books, the "J-Buster" guarantees a smooth, comfortable ride to malls, courthouses and other public places where we struggle to take Christmas away from everyone everywhere.  [NOTE: As more and more X-97s are produced, the previously-deployed V180 "Grinchmobile" will slowly be decommissioned and given to charity.  Not like anyone would notice.)

ZAP ZAP ZAP!  Troublesome banners, holly wreaths and other high-mounted symbols of God's love will be troublesome no more with this monster on the front lines!  The THAC0-9 Laser utilizes a gyroscopic platform for stability (useful, since it's widely known that atheists are unstable) and advanced computer-aided targeting.  Quad laser cannons take care of The Father, The Son AND The Holy Ghost with plenty of firepower left for...I dunno, what?  A camel?  Or I guess you could use it to take out the Three Wise Men and One Other Guy, but who would it be...?  Ummm...Well, look, it's a laser.  Lasers are science.  Evolution is science.  Evolution is evil.  Therefore, lasers are evil, and this is four times it.

An update of the Mk.II, first deployed in 2005, the new model has a snazzy new rifle and cool angry eyes.  Still devoid of a soul, it allows us to take up Pascal on his wager, since everyone knows that we atheists are secretly afraid of God's judgment. 

Still standard-issue, this year's WTF-1 has been slightly upgraded in response to changing battlefield conditions.  Extensive testing ensures that "The Look" can be successfully deployed in response to Rick Perry TV ads, Doomsday Predictions and anything that Michelle Bachmann says.

All right, atheists!  You have your new orders, new weapons and new targets.  Go out and commit acts of anti-Christian terrorism by, you know, asking that the theists follow the Constitution and stuff!

DISCLAIMER: This is a work of satire.  None of those weapons are real, there is no "Atheist War on Christmas", and Michelle Bachmann is a cartoon character.

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